Confession of a Mean Wife

This morning, I had been a total b%^&# to Aloysius. Seriously, I sometimes feel being a SAHM brings out the best and worst in me. I was never like this before.

I have become a really great mom to my little baby - caring for her 24/7, making sure she is well taken care of physically, emotionally and intellectually. I make sure she eats well, plays well and is happy most of the time. I dote on her but do not spoil her. 

I failed or has been slacking miserably on my role as a wife. And it makes matter worse when we do not spend a lot of time together as Aloysius returns home very late everyday. When he is home and the moment he sees me, all he wants is to talk to me. And all I do is to Shush him or ask him to reduce his volume (and showing him a piss-up look) as I do not want him to wake Allysa up. Allysa is a really light sleeper and the last thing I want is for her to be waken up. I mean, for goodness sake, her sleeping time equates my break/rest time. SO it MEANS a lot to me when she sleeps in the night and I am usually really exhausted by the end of the day. And it also irritates me when he creates noises in and out of the room. But when all he wants to do, at the end of a long work day, is to return to a loving and warm wife whom he can talk to and probably gets some one-on-one doting/cuddling session with. 

Besides this, it seems that we or I will always get upset with him in the mornings of his once-in-a-blue-moon off days. There are bound to be some things that I can get pissed with and I will say or be mean and vent my frustrations at him. And it always ruined our mornings.

But on days/times when it’s just Aloysius and me, I am the endearing wife and the same girl whom he used to date. We can get lovery-dovey and it’s really lovely. I am just-Aloysius’s Yvonne and wife, not Allysa’s Mommy. Allysa’s Mommy is a total meanie to her Daddy. 

This morning, I was mean (again) and said hurtful things to Aloysius. And of course, immediately when I said the “truth” which he wants to hear/know, I just knew “I shouldn’t have said it”. How many times do you ever wish you had bite you tongue before saying the truth? And sometimes, when one wants to hear the truth, are they really ready to accept the truth, with no hard feelings? 

We learnt that in a relationship there should be no secrets. And couples should always remain honest with one another. But then again, I am learning that perhaps, sometimes we must learn to THINK TWICE before we speak. Some things might be (really) better left unsaid especially if it’s nonconstructive remarks.

I read about this story and it brought a lot of hard truth to it. 

There once was man who said nasty things to many others in his village. One day he sadly realized that no one liked him. He went to his chief to ask what he could do to make things right and make people like him again.

The chief said, “Tonight, put a feather in front of everyone’s door that you have said hurtful things to.” So he did just that. The next morning he went back to the chief and asked, “What now?” The chief replied, “Now go and pick all of the feathers up.”

Unfortunately all the feathers had blown away….

Words are like feathers that you cannot pick up or take back.

I am not saying “Honesty might not be the best policy”. But what I am trying to say is, before you master the art of communicating negative remarks with tactfulness, you might just want to rehearse and go through that scenario with your self. Find the best words to communicate your feelings or perhaps, share it with another close friend/relative who can also be your sounding board or advisor. 

Because words can hurt & once said, can never be taken back. 

I just felt so awful on this whole episode. Of course, it made me reflected alot on myself as well - why does it happen, what have I done wrong and can do better. 

I hope this will never happen again.