Confession of a Formula Feeder (and why I did it)

We had gone on to visit another baby friend of Allysa’s yesterday. It was an unofficial playdate. The grandma of the little boy, that we visited, stayed near my mom’s so I always enjoyed popping by (when I visit my mom) just so Allysa can get to mingle with babies of her age.

So as the babies were playing (actually, on their own), the adults engaged in some daily conversation. It happened that the little boy was having his lunch when we popped by so naturally, our conversations began to steer towards the babies’ current diet. The grandma mentioned that the boy’s mommy is still breastfeeding him though the frequency had been reduced due to her working schedule and the baby starting on solids.

Grandma: “So are you still breastfeeding?”

Me: “No. I have stopped since she was 5 months old.”

Grandma: “Ah yo…My daughter said it’s such a pity that you have milk and don’t want to feed. Besides, you are not working.”

Me: “ …. (smile)”

I have always felt a sense of diffident whenever such topic was approached. Compared to the mommy who is still trying her very best to BF her child despite the non-favorable conditions, as a Stay-Home-Mom, indeed, I have NO better reasons not to BF my baby. After all, Breast is Best is what all mom-to-bes were advocated. Sometimes, I felt judged by other Moms who are still breastfeeding, latched on or not.

Pre-Baby Days

All I read and knew (to my knowledge) from the media to the experienced moms, was Breast or nothing! Though sometimes, some good-willed folks will give you a leeway and advised you can do the mix(formula and BF). But to a perfectionist like me, it was definitely not an option. It’s either TOTAL LATCHED ON or nothing. No formula nor milk bottles! My baby is going drink from me and nothing else.

“What kind of Moms can’t breastfeed and latch their baby?”

“They are probably not trying hard enough.”

“I am never going to jeopardize my baby’s immunity system growth.”  

“Breastmilk is the wonder food and FREE!”

Such thoughts just revolved around my mind all the time. But unfortunately, my breastfeeding journey was a total miserable one for me. Seriously, I do not enjoy breastfeeding as much as I thought I would or what the media had made it to be. The sleep disruption, the sore nipples, the engorgement, the milk ducts, the pain from my c-sec wound and infection, were just what had etched into my mind when I recalled the days I latched Allysa. One word to sum those feelings was “Painful!” The enjoyment from the bonding? Duh! That was the last emotion I could experience amidst all the pain that had overwhelmed me.

Though I do admit, it felt some kind of wonderful and very Mommy-ish to cradle my baby in my arms, have a little being sucking my nipples and knowing that I am offering her food from my body. It is indeed a very beautiful and natural thing. I felt like a primitive or one of those mammal mommies who feed their babies with their breast milk and nothing else. I felt powerful too.

But apart from the above feel good feelings, the rest were just horrible. I had to battle through her crying feats because she just never seemed to have enough. And I felt helpless as I had basically tried my best (like letting her suck despite the sore nipples. Mommies, I am sure you know how tough this is) and worried if she was still starving because I had no idea if she had enough since I can’t measure how much she drank.

And it doesn’t quite helped either when the older folks are not so pro-breastfeeding. Instead of positive encouragement, they would tell you things like it was okay to mix formula and breastfeed because so-and-so did that too. And that was the LAST thing I needed to hear when I am battling my breastfeeding and postpartum emotional issues. I needed to hear nice pleasing words! I needed someone to tell me “Yes! I understand and know how you feel. Go, Yvonne! You are a mom and you are powerful. Persevere and we will just be right there to support you.” I could recall that I was almost on the verge of depression.

The Meltdown

One fine night, I just cried. I sobbed insatiably and thoughts ran wild. Aloysius was just fast and deep in his sleep, undisturbed. In order not to create a din, I buried my face in my pillow and wailed. I knew he was tired and he had to work the next day. I did not want to disturb him up as I knew there’s nothing much he could help too. I just needed to release all the frustrations and crankiness. I knew it was more than just breastfeeding but rather, my own emotional state of mind. I was not enjoying motherhood as much as I wanted.

I broke down. I pondered on why my baby was crying so much whenever I fed her. It hurts to see her suffering that way. And in what ways was I not doing right? I had read through breastfeeding manuals over and over again. I had it by my bedside. I had even gone to pay a second visit to the lactation consultant just to get more help and assurance I was doing it right. She gave me the thumb up by the end of the visit. But still, days later, my baby is still crying lots and my nipples are still sore. I had blocked milks ducts which hurt so bad.

Fortunately, I do consider myself a rather optimistic person. I knew I had to do something about this (depression) situation. I needed answers to all my questions. There was no time to lose (I needed salvation!) nor could I just return to bed and sleep through my problems. And the only way to find answers, at the wee hours, was the internet.

I went online. Firstly, I needed to know if I was in or near the zone of depression. I searched through the symptoms of postnatal blues and I think I had checked most of them. Then, I went on net to do my research on what other ways that I can breastfeed my baby sans bottles. At that time, I was in deep pain with my sore nipples. I felt the only way for me to redo the whole process of breastfeeding is for my nipples to heal first. Applying medela cream or cabbage leaves did not work since she was still latching on all the time. And I knew such stress will in turn affect my milk supply. It’s a vicious cycle and I needed to intervene. I did not want to introduce the bottle as I did not want the baby to have nipple confusion too. Besides, I did not prepare any because I did not want myself to have a second option. It’s like “NO JUNKS at home when you are dieting” sort of thing. You do not want to have any form of temptation lying around. I have never been so adamant to succeed in my life (not even for my studies)! So this was just one thing I knew and wanted it RIGHT. It’s the highway or no way.

So after much researching, I found out there are alternatives, example: spoon feeding, to bottle feeding. I gave it a shot since that was the best option to latching on. My nipples were hurting like hell then! And somehow, it always triggered pain at my c-sec wound. (I had a post-op infection thus the delay in recovery. What luck!) I was at my threshold of pain (and emotional) endurance.

So I spoon fed my baby during her next feed. What "great idea"! I bet you can imagine how traumatizing it was for Allysa to have her milk spoon-fed to her? She was so hungry but yet milk comes in spoonfuls (and not to mention some flows out of her mouth too as she cried and drank). But I persisted as I knew this was just part of the “getting used to” process. I knew just what to do or so I thought. Aloysius woke up to the entire din. He saw all this but there was nothing he could do to help. He knew I did not want to formula feed or bottle feed. Neither, does he want to comment on the whole situation because he knew this will fire up his neurotic latch-on-failure wife.

The next morning, I felt better. I reflected and I felt really guilty for what I had put Allysa through. I thought I must be crazy to do so to my baby. It was then I realized that all these were not working and seriously, was it all worth it? I might be a tad too “obsessed” with the whole issue of exclusive breastfeeding. As breastfeeding was supposed to be an enjoyable experience with benefits, it did likewise for me and baby. I was miserable! I was in pain! My baby was crying. She was hungry. I was an emotional wreck!

I needed someone whom I can share my woes. I confided with another Mommy friend and realized she, too, had been feeding her baby formula as well. At that instant, I just felt enlightened. And the whole issue of “Breastfeeding or nothing” came to light. I knew this is not enough. I needed more assurance and scientific support of my decision to free myself from the miseries and drama! I needed to know it is A-okay to feed babies’ formula and they can still grow up healthy and strong even they are not breastfeed exclusively.

And that was when I found my new friend, FFF or Fearless Formula Feeder’s blog. I read through her blog and was shocked to find out that maybe Breast isn’t really best. It was an astonishing find! And that goes to give me more assurance I ever need.

The Right Formula

Since Allysa was 5 weeks old, I introduced her milk formula. I continued to express my BM and since then, she had been drinking from the bottle. I stopped latching her and accepted the fact that it was too painful for me to try and persist. I stopped dwelling on my failure to latch and focused on other things like ways to increase my milk supply and just watching her grow. I realised there is no reason to beat myself up for this. Slowly, my nipples healed and ducts were cleared. It was a relieving feeling. I felt happier (and so did Aloysius).

When Allysa was 5 months old, I stopped breastfeeding her. Seriously, I felt it was a chore to express my milk and felt that the time spent on expressing and washing the equipments could put to better use. Besides, the effort I put in to express does not measure up to the yield I was hoping for. I do not want to breastfeed for the sake of because "everybody" is doing it. If I am not enjoying the process of it, I think it's time to just stop.

Despite being a total formula fed baby now, Allysa is thriving well as a 7 month old baby. She is healthy and has yet fallen ill even when most of the family members were down with flu or after her vaccinations. She has nice chubby cheeks and thighs. She is cheerful and is always smiling. She is a happy baby. She is right on track or sometimes, ahead of her developmental milestones.

As for me, I enjoyed the new found freedom. I am free to go wherever I want, wear whatever I want and EAT whatever I want to now (Aloysius and I are real foodies!). I had regained my sanity and life back. I am not tied down because I have to express my BM every 2/3 hourly nor am fearful of blocked ducts when I wore some tighter blouses. And still, I did manage to lose most of my pregnancy weight.

And now, who says only Breast is Best?

P.S: Please note that this is just an expression of my personal view on the “Breastfeed exclusively” issue. I am in no way upset by that comment I heard nor am I in any way anti-breastfeeding. I am PRO it! But I just want other Mommies to know that it is okay and you should not feel any way guilty if you can’t or choose not to do it. And for Mommies who are anti-formula feeding or Pro-Breastfedding to please spare a thought for those who may not be as successful as you are. We have our reasons for making that choice. No matter which side you are, we are all Mommies and should support one another through this laborious journey (and it’s not just about breastfeeding only).

Most importantly, our babies need Happy Mommies! Just do what makes you happy.